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Thanksgiving Touch Football Rules

Wall Street Journal sports reporter Jason Gay offers 29 rules for your family’s touch football game. A selection:

4. It’s not really a family touch football game unless at least three family members have no idea which team they are playing on.

6. There are no steroids allowed in Thanksgiving touch football. But your Uncle Dave just tested positive for vodka and dough…

  1. Jimmy Carter

    Our end-zone markers are usually a bumper of car and a tree.

    And every year One of My older Brothers will tell Me to “go long.” I’ll sprint a go route looking for the ball…. and after about a hundred yards, He’ll tuck the ball and walk in the House. I fall for it every time. Ah, traditions.

  2. Mollie Hemingway

    I think the Oregon family activity is either hunting or the Hunger Games — I have never heard so much gunfire in my life.

  3. tabula rasa

    Our game is about to begin.  These will be helpful.

    I’m on IR–I don’t have an actual injury, but I pull a calf muscle or hamstring on my first pass route every year, so I’ve declared a virtual injury in advance.  I’ll be eating the pie.

  4. tabula rasa
    Mollie Hemingway, Ed.: I think the Oregon family activity is either hunting or the Hunger Games — I have never heard so much gunfire in my life. · 0 minutes ago

    We do our shooting on the day after Thanksgiving. 

    I suppose combining it with flag football would be a bad idea.  Thoughts?

  5. RightinChicago

    How Kennedyesque. Though I’m sure they have special rules to accomodate the more unsavory elements of that clan. Chicago is a toddling town, so we’re usually so snockered that it turns into tackle football. Grandma’s got a wicked chop-block. And Aunt Agnes has no problem with clipping and late hits.

  6. Lavaux

    Some of our rules:

    1. Injuries resulting in team reformulations are turnovers.

    2. For every action, an equal and opposite reaction.

    3. No hurting the kids.

    4. No hurting the girls.

    5. Taunting is encouraged.

    6. The principles and practices of civilized sporting are suspended.

    7. Call your own fouls.

    8. It’s not cheating if no one saw you do it.

    9. Rules are aspirational and subject to ongoing interpretation.

    10. The scorekeeper is not to be trusted.

    11. If you throw the ball into the lake, you must fish it out.

    12. No complaining, no griping, no whining.

  7. Scott R

    Our football memory is my dad stepping on the ball and breaking his leg about fifteen Thanksgivings ago. Stubborn tough guy that he is, he refused to go to the hospital until after the meal so he wouldn’t “ruin everybody’s Thanksgiving”. So instead he writhed in pain and yelled at us to “Get away from my leg! Don’t touch my leg!!” through dinner. Good times.

  8. Dave Roy

    We never had enough people to play touch football. At most, we’d throw the football around or something.

    Now most games are inside, when I’m there at all.

  9. Mollie Hemingway
    Lavaux: Some of our rules:

    1. Injuries resulting in team reformulations are turnovers.

    2. For every action, an equal and opposite reaction.

    3. No hurting the kids.

    4. No hurting the girls.

    5. Taunting is encouraged.

    6. The principles and practices of civilized sporting are suspended.

    7. Call your own fouls.

    8. It’s not cheating if no one saw you do it.

    9. Rules are aspirational and subject to ongoing interpretation.

    10. The scorekeeper is not to be trusted.

    11. If you throw the ball into the lake, you must fish it out.

    12. No complaining, no griping, no whining. · 1 hour ago

    Edited 56 minutes ago

    They’re all awesome but #1 is the best.

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