Tall-Tails.jpg

Tall Tails With Alphonse Fontenot

Piercing the gloom along the path the nation has chosen, I received the following correspondence from Alphonse Fontenot, and thought it might bring a smile:

Ma Dear Fran, 

Me I’m happy for you to read ma letter, but I know you sad ’bout dem election. So here’s a little story ’bout ma uncle.  He’s da one dat got how you call, a glass eye. And it’s not da right size no, so sometimes dat eye just pop right out o’ his head. Dat’s we call him Popeye! Last week Uncle Popeye was out on Bayou LaFourche fishing wif dem dynamite. He was pulling in a lot o’ fish when da Sheriff walk up beside him and say, “Now Popeye, you know it’s against da law to use dynamite to fish!  Me I’m gonna have to brought you in.” So Uncle Popeye, he reach over real calm like an light another stick o’ dynamite, hand it to da Sheriff and say, “Now Sheriff, you tell me, are we gonna stand here all day and talk, or are we gonna fish?” Sometime you just gotta light dem stick! 

You mamber Popeye’s little boy named Poot Poot? Da one dat taught he could fly when he was a little boy child so he jump out da tree and break bof arm? He made da newspaper a few days ago when a Hells Angel crash his motorcycle in Poot Poot’s front yard. Da news say da Hells Angel was wearing his leather jacket backwards since da zipper broke and he was cold. Poot Poot, he called da state police and told dem ’bout da crash. Da State Trooper ask, “Is he showing any signs of life?” “Well,” said Poot Poot, “he was until I turned his head around da right way.”  I worry ’bout dat boy.

And of course, Boudreaux and Marie got segregated again. Dey was sitting at da bar last Friday night when Marie saw her ex at the other end of dem bar, drunk as a skunk.  She told Boudreaux, “Dat man been drinking ever since I left him 10 years ago!” But Boudreaux, he say nobody celebrates dat much! Dat’s when Marie knock da taste out o’ his mouf, along with two teef. Dey took her to da hoosegow and him to da doctor.  

Speaking of doctors, I need to find a new one. I had me a check up two weeks ago, and da doctor told me I had to get a urinalysis. But I told da doctor dat I don’t got much educate no, and I don’t know dem big words. And wouldn’t you know dat doctor told me to go pee in a bottle? So I told him to go fart in a jug, and now I need a new doctor.   

Oh!  While I was at da clinic dere, I saw Mother Angelica running down da hallway lookin’ all nerval and saying da rosary real fast. I asked her doctor what happened, and he said, “Me I jus’ told her she’s expecting a baby.” “Is she really?” I asked. “Mais no,” he said, “but it sure cured her hiccups.”  

Speaking of people expecting, did you hear dat Batille is stagnant again some more?  Me I tink she’s gonna double da consensus of Evangeline Parish all by herself!  Her husband Thibodeaux, he say he got it figured out. He say when dey go to bed at night, every time he hang his pants on da bedpost, she comes down wif da knock up. He say dat from now on, he gonna leave his pants on da hook instead.  But dey make a happy couple, and she gives him lots o’ warmth and affliction.

Me I have to bring my close to dis line because LSU is playing on TV. I asked ma fran what da score was, and he said, “It’s 7 to 10.”   asked who’s winning, and he said, “Da 10.” He’s slow on da uptake. And mamber, ma fran, sometimes you jus’ gotta light dem stick!  I pray dat God bless more hell outta you. 

Bayou-Teche.jpgYour Fran,

Alphonse 

P.S.  I was gonna send da money I owe you, but I already lick dem envelope.

  1. Basil Fawlty

    I’ve got Cajun Christmas cued up and ready to go.

  2. Arahant

    Thanks for sharing the laughter.

  3. Sandy

    OK, Editors, we need “likes” (or maybe star ratings) for posts, and especially for Dave Carter, because all by himself he usually says it all, so commenting is often useless, but I sure would like to be able to click on a “like” (or five stars).

  4. CuriousJohn

    Welcome Back Alphonse

  5. Percival

    That was great!  Thanks, Dave.  I needed that.

    (…it sure cured her hiccips…oh, man.)

  6. Arahant
    Sandy: OK, Editors, we need “likes” (or maybe star ratings) for posts, and especially for Dave Carter, because all by himself he usually says it all, so commenting is often useless, but I sure would like to be able to click on a “like” (or five stars). · 7 minutes ago

    Until then, comments will do.

  7. Dave Carter
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    Arahant

    Sandy: OK, Editors, we need “likes” (or maybe star ratings) for posts, and especially for Dave Carter, because all by himself he usually says it all, so commenting is often useless, but I sure would like to be able to click on a “like” (or five stars). · 7 minutes ago

    Until then, comments will do. · 0 minutes ago

    Alphonse accepts payment by gumbo.  He’s picky like that.  

  8. Albert Arthur

    Thanks, Dave!

  9. Masked Man

    You’re right, what I needed, fran.

  10. Astonishing

    Dat Alphonse a funny man. The dynamite fishing story is sooooooo old. The original version had a rabbi in it. But it still makes me laugh. Warmth and affliction . . . two things a good wife is good for.

  11. Dave Carter
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    Astonishing: Dat Alphonse a funny man. The dynamite fishing story is sooooooo old. The original version had a rabbi in it. But it still makes me laugh. Warmth and affliction . . . two things a good wife is good for. · 1 minute ago

    I think it was my grandfather that first told me the fishing story.  The only problem with his jokes was that half the time, he couldn’t finish them because he was laughing himself silly before he got to the punch line.   Come to think of it, I have no idea how several of the jokes ended.  But it was fun just watching the man crack up in the middle of the story.  

  12. Western Chauvinist

    Oh, my! After that I’ve decided “go fart in a bottle” is going to be my standard rejoinder when confronted with liberal claptrap. It’s much less vulgar than what I’ve been thinking recently and less likely to send me running for the confessional.

    Did you know Mother Angelica’s ears hurt when she smiles too much? You wouldn’t want to hurt the poor old dear, would you? If she hears that joke, her ears will take a week to recover!

  13. Red Feline

    That was fun, Dave!

    My father, who was a city accountant and a keen fisherman, used to LOVE to go fishing with the local people in the little place we holidayed in every July. My parents used to rent Rose Cottage and a rowing boat for the month. We children ran wild, and it was wonderful.

    Anyway, one evening my father was out with the locals, and my mother was obviously worried. When I asked what was the problem, she explained to me that dear ol’ Dad was not only with the locals, but they were going to dynamite part of the river to catch salmon which were running up it. She could see the heading in the city paper, Charles Robertson had been put in jail for blasting the river with the locals. I gather it was the shame that would cause her, if and when her friends saw it, that was really what was bothering her. It didn’t seem to occur to her that her husband might blow himself up, or be blown up by his local friends. I guess she had confidence in him.

  14. Dave Carter
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    raycon and lindacon: Alfonz… ain’t he da guy what brang da fish to da bar-b q an forgot the sauce?  Heard he don got da fish dry an caint yet swollow good.  What he doin now? · 10 hours ago

    From Alphonse:  “No no, ma fran.  I’m da one dat got sauced.  Not dem fish.  Dat way, da fish can be as dry as sawdust, but me I’m not gonna care some none a’tall any.”

  15. wilber forge
    Red Feline: That was fun, Dave!

    My father, who was a city accountant and a keen fisherman, used to LOVE to go fishing with the local people in the little place we holidayed in every July. My parents used to rent Rose Cottage and a rowing boat for the month. We children ran wild, and it was wonderful.

    Anyway, one evening my father was out with the locals, and my mother was obviously worried. When I asked what was the problem, she explained to me that dear ol’ Dad was not only with the locals, but they were going to dynamite part of the river to catch salmon which were running up it. She could see the heading in the city paper, Charles Robertson had been put in jail for blasting the river with the locals. I gather it was the shame that would cause her, if and when her friends saw it, that was really what was bothering her. It didn’t seem to occur to her that her husband might blow himself up, or be blown up by his local friends. I guess she had confidence in him. · 13 minutes ago

    So, how were the fish ?

  16. Dave Carter
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    Eeyore: Dat Alphonse, he don’t know nobody but troublemakers!

    And, Dave, dis is de firstest time I look reeeealy closeup at yo new hat-free avatism. And it looks to me like you gots a liiiiitle smile peekin’ out from under yo John Bolton, and dere’s a little crinkley around de eyes.

    Makes me think it might be that Christie lady that you correlates wit in some o you post-its dat took dis pictoor. · 10 hours ago

    Dat Christie is my second born child, but she not da one dat took dem picture.  Da photographer was my delightful niece, Katherine.  She said she could make me look respectable, and she done good her.  

  17. Dave Carter
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    Nanda Panjandrum: A thousand welcomes back, dear friend…God bless you real good! · 11 hours ago

    From Alphonse:  “You too, ma fran.  Dat name you got, Nanda Pajama-tantrum,…you from up around Shreveport?”  

  18. wilber forge

    Know the dynamite fishing story well, the gator visual certainly brightend the day though.

  19. Dave Carter
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    Jack Dunphy: Dave,

    Whether it’s serious political talk or a lighthearted diversion like this one, you never fail to amaze.  There’s poetry in every sentence. · 10 hours ago

    Well, coming from someone whose work I’ve been reading since I was a new troop in Security Forces, that’s a high compliment indeed.  Thank you, sir. 

  20. Dave Carter
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    Darth Vader Jr: Why is it that laughing so hard makes your eyes leak? · 8 hours ago

    Must be the tobasco sauce.