How to Save the Planet: Euthanize Your Pet

“Dear Mr. Delingpole,You need to learn a thing or two about Global Warming. Everyday living is destructive to the Environment. Our company sells Carbon Credits which are the only hope of saving the planet….”

I get a lot of emails like this – though normally they’re expressed rather less politely than the one above. But something in the email’s tone told me I had to go and look at the website. It’s run by someone apparently called Daphne Tremayne, who lists her credentials thus:

Daphne Tremayne is a graduate of Peconic Community College and holds an associates degree in marketing.  She is an avid yoga practitioner and assistant instructor at the Gaia Yoga and Women’s Holistic Wellness Center in Stirling Harbor.

Eagerly I read her section on Little Things We Can Do To Reduce Our Carbon Footprint.

  • Stop Having Children

      I know!  I know!  Children are as cute as all get-out, but have you ever really considered how much carbon one child puts into the atmosphere?  Over a single lifetime, the amount is practically immeasurable.  One of the best all-around things for the environment would be fewer people in the world.  Until governments wake up and start passing “one child per-family” laws, the best way you can help reduce the collective Carbon Footprint is through voluntary sterilization.  Most insurance policies cover the cost of tubal ligations as well as vasectomies, and for the poor, many clinics will do these procedures for free.  And let’s face it–there are just too many poor people in the world!

But here’s my favorite bit:

  • Euthanize Your Old Pet

     Pets have become a common feature in most homes and are an attribute of the modern, Western lifestyle.  We all love our dogs and cats, but really, when you think about it, pets are a major producer of excess carbon.  One of the best ways to reasonably enjoy your pet and reduce your overall Carbon Footprint is to determine in advance how long your pet should live.  As a family, set a date when your pet will be euthanized.  One great way to teach children the value of pet euthanasia is to turn the occasion into a family celebration.  Let’s say you’ve set March 10, five years from now, as your pet’s euthanasia date.   For the next five years, celebrate March 10 as your pet’s special day, with a family party and perhaps a visit to your pet’s future burial spot.  Teach your children to think of the occasion as a birthday in reverse.  A predetermined euthanasia date will encourage your family to love and care for your furry friend while it’s still young and playful.  What’s more, pre-planing for pet termination not only works towards reducing your family’s Carbon Footprint, but guarantees long term reduction in veterinary expenses. 

Here’s the worrying thing: there are a whole heap of greenies out there who think everything on this outrageous spoof website is no more than plain commonsense.

  1. Casey

    After yesterday’s decision I’m wondering what my own predetermined euthanasia date is.

  2. Kozak

    I’m all for people like Ms Tremayne being proactive and euthanizing themselves at the earliest possible moment since it’s too late to sterilize her mother for it to help.

    There’s a special circle in Hell for anyone who would euthanize a loving old pet to save on carbon.

  3. Foxman

    One can only think of Logan’s Run. Renew, Renew.

  4. BrentB67

    At the risk of a COC violation I nominate Ms. Daphne Tremayne (how do I know she is a Ms.? Who on earth would marry this nut case?) to be next in line at the euthenization clinic, I will selflessly flip the switch once she is inside.

     ***Update – I should investigate deeper for hitting the Post button

  5. Percival

    Oh, man, that was funny!

    It is a satire site, you guys.  Check out the Products link.  Carbon credits are “Out of stock. On backorder.”  “Baby credits” are on backorder too.  The only product link back there is to Biodiesel: A Novel, according to it’s blurb “a comedic satire of environmentalism.”

    The big problem with satirizing the greenies is that one has to make their positions appear more ludicrous than they are already, and the ice is pretty thin out there.  Probably that’s due to global warming.

  6. Stephen Dawson

    Folks, please read the fine print at the foot of the Contact Us page.

    It can be difficult, sometimes, to distinguish between parody and the real thing.

  7. BrentB67
    Stephen Dawson: Folks, please read the fine print at the foot of the Contact Us page.

    It can be difficult, sometimes, to distinguish between parody and the real thing. · 1 minute ago

    Good catch – my apologies to Mrs. Tremayne and the rest of Ricochet.

    It shows how far the green movement has gone off the reservation when the site could be considered legitimate.

  8. Spin

    I was starting to get really angry…until I saw that it was a spoof.  Thanks a lot James.  As if I don’t already have enough to get my blood boiling.  Now lets see if we can’t get my little facebook sphere of influence all stirred up…

  9. Casey

    HOLD ON EVERYBODY!  Don’t kill your pet yet!

    Wait for the research

    Researchers have also recently discovered that kangaroo flatulence is methane-free, due to an unidentified bacteria. According to scientists, if they are able to infect cows with such a bacteria, it may possibly prevent global methane pollution.

    No mention of cat gas.  But just to be safe I’m gonna add clover and alfalfa to my diet.

  10. Casey
    Casey: HOLD ON EVERYBODY!  Don’t kill your pet yet!

    Wait for the research

    Researchers have also recently discovered that kangaroo flatulence is methane-free, due to an unidentified bacteria. According to scientists, if they are able to infect cows with such a bacteria, it may possibly prevent global methane pollution.

    No mention of cat gas.  But just to be safe I’m gonna add clover and alfalfa to my diet. · 0 minutes ago

    For the record, my link is not a spoof.

  11. Blake Anderton

    1. Create spoof site

    2. Email prominent anti-environmentalist in character

    3. ???

    4. Profit

  12. tabula rasa

    Even though this is a spoof, a lot of greenies think like that.  One can only hope they take their own advice and don’t reproduce.

  13. DrewInWisconsin

    Huh. Yep, it’s a parody, but it’s got me wondering if I could set up a website selling Carbon Credits, and how much money I could make from the gullible?

  14. Misthiocracy

    Dear Mr. Delingpole,

    I sell tiger-repelling rocks, which are the only hope for saving us from ravenous tigers …

    How do I know they work? You don’t see any tigers around me, do you?

    Sincerely,

    Lisa Simpson

  15. Valiuth

    So the amount of carbon a new child puts out in “practically immeasurable”. That is to say no one has ever measured it and so we don’t know, or it is to say that it is so small we can not measure it.  But, it is good to know that there are scam artists like this about fleecing overly concerned yuppies. I mean what are the carbon offsets that she is selling? Maybe I can sell people carbon offsets too. 

    Also in the long line of euphemisms ”reverse birth” is perhaps the best one I have heard for death. Next time you get shoved out of the way, remember it is just a “reverse hug”. Ah, we are witnessing the birth of Newspeak. 

  16. Basil Fawlty

    Be sure to check out the Comments and Coupons page.

  17. Misthiocracy

    The writer seems to think that “immeasurable” and “infinite” are synonyms.

    My love for meat-lover’s pizza is both finite and immeasurable.

  18. Valin

    Where is Monty Python now that we really need them.

    My head hurts….bad.

  19. Valin
    Basil Fawlty: Be sure to check out the Comments and Coupons page. · 43 minutes ago

    Priceless!

    6-11-2012 DNPB US If we have already had children…can we turn them in for free carbon credits? Cameron GB Reducing one’s carbon footprint – It is well known that the ground traps carbon dioxide. Thus, turning over the ground in one’s vegetable garden and flower beds is only adding to one’s carbon footprint. So, you can guess where I am going with this! A once only project of concreting over your entire garden will in the long run pay dividends in counteracting any stubborn neighbours who refuse to be carbon sensitive and continue to grow their annuals and perennials ad infinitum. ps – I’m doing mine next week, but first need to acquire local council permission to chop down six trees to get the cement mixer lorry in
  20. Canuckski

    Wonderful stuff!  But how can you really satirize greenies when they do things like sterilizing themselves to prevent carbon dioxide growth from overpopulation, then go jetting off to Bali every year with the money they saved by being DINKs?