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Another Side of Rob

Over on the Member Feed (that’s right, you’ve got to pay to see the MMA-style stuff), Rob Long is taking one of his intermittent public floggings for his self-proclaimed RINO squishiness — which makes this seem like a good time to tell you that Rob is currently in Time magazine giving serious consideration to a RINO purge:

… RINO, for “Republican in name only,” describes the kind of politician that runs as a Republican, talks like a conservative and votes like a Senator from Maine. RINOs, according to the party faithful, are what stand between us and sweeping political change.

All of which, of course, may be true. There is something about Washington that brings out the pompous complacency in even the most rock-ribbed conservative. You can see them swanning around town, faces flushed and pink from too many steak dinners at Palm, hopping from one classy venue–the National Association of Pest and Termite Control Independent Owner/Operators Salute to the Troops, or whatever–to an embassy cocktail thing to the Kennedy Center, all the while trailed by devoted interns, aides and craven supplicants. Must be nice, actually.

It’s the closest a fat, old, not-great-looking person can get to being an actual movie star. And the problem with movie stars, from the perspective of a Republican Party activist somewhere out in actual America, is that they are all Democrats.

Here’s the bad news: they are all Democrats in Washington too. Somewhere between the poached lobster at Charlie Palmer and the lunchtime speech at the Omni Shoreham, your typical Republican politician–no matter how dusty his shoes were when he got to town, no matter how carefully he tries to maintain ideological purity–is going to be tempted. To raise a little tax here. To tweak a pointless regulation there. To rethink gay marriage. To wonder if the Department of Education’s Diversity Training Outreach Program for Diversity Trainee Education doesn’t truly need a 30% bump in its budget. (And yes, I made that one up, but be honest: you wouldn’t be surprised if it existed.)

The RINO is behind all those awful bills with the word comprehensive in their titles. The RINO is the grease that oils the wheels of lawmaking that result in “reform” acts that don’t reform, “tax cuts” that raise taxes, “oversight” that overlooks and “reductions” that increase. How could it be otherwise? Washington is designed that way. When the devil comes, he bears rib eye from Palm.

Rob’s solution? We’ll give you just one hint. It was inspired by the Cultural Revolution.

  1. PsychLynne
    Rob Long

    Ajax Telamônios

     Rob is currently in Time magazine…

    Time magazine still exists? · 6 minutes ago

    Edited 1 minute ago

    I had the same question.  And you’d be surprised (or not) to know that almost every person I hear from who reads my stuff there begins by saying, “So I was waiting at the Jiffy Lube and I picked up a magazine…” · 8 hours ago

    “So, I was waiting at Bella (a hair salon) and I picked up a magazine…”

    Just happened Monday afternoon…true story. 

  2. Chris Campion

    What Rob really meant to write here was “So I was waiting my turn in a Swedish brothel, and I picked up a magazine….”

    Or so I assume.  That’s the only time I’ve picked one up.  The magazine, I mean.

    Rob Long

    Ajax Telamônios

     Rob is currently in Time magazine…

    Time magazine still exists? · 6 minutes ago

    Edited 1 minute ago

    I had the same question.  And you’d be surprised (or not) to know that almost every person I hear from who reads my stuff there begins by saying, “So I was waiting at the Jiffy Lube and I picked up a magazine…” · 9 hours ago

  3. Chris Campion

    Most bizarre and enjoyable aside I’ve read since I woke up 20 minutes ago. 

    DocJay: Give em the Mao Say Tongue. I’ll grab it ASAP, open it to the king squish and in my best Mice and Men voice say,” tell me about the purges Rob”. · 8 hours ago

  4. Caroline

    Will there be giant puppets?

  5. Miffed White Male
     

    Rob’s solution? We’ll give you just one hint. It was inspired by the Cultural Revolution.

    A bullet to the back of the head, and then bill the family for the cost 0f the bullet?

  6. Ajax von Kaiserpenguin
     Rob is currently in Time magazine…

    Time magazine still exists?

  7. Southern Pessimist

    After all, this was what the Chinese knew all those years ago. Many of the leaders purged in the Cultural Revolution–well, those who didn’t die in the fields–returned to Beijing to retake the reins. Deng Xiaoping, in many ways the mastermind of the modern Chinese state, was a purge victim, and he turned out O.K. So I’ll start painting the signs. You guys make the caps. Let’s have ourselves a parade.Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2139696,00.html#ixzz2PME8VNqi

    I think most of us are good at painting signs, making caps and parading. That seems to me what all of politics is about these days.

    And all days, I suppose.

  8. Rob Long
    C
    Ajax Telamônios

     Rob is currently in Time magazine…

    Time magazine still exists? · 6 minutes ago

    Edited 1 minute ago

    I had the same question.  And you’d be surprised (or not) to know that almost every person I hear from who reads my stuff there begins by saying, “So I was waiting at the Jiffy Lube and I picked up a magazine…”

  9. Pseudodionysius

    Do you remember the scene from L.A. Confidential?

    “…with a wrecking ball…”

  10. Jim  Ixtian
    Ricochet Editor’s Desk  Rob’s solution? We’ll give you just one hint. It was inspired by the Cultural Revolution.

    This explains why he has survived and thrived in Hollywood. Lurking underneath that amiable, cherubic exterior is the cold-blooded heart of a hit-man. By day, Rob is producing & writing affable sit-coms. By night? He’s secretly plotting to destroy the RINO’s in the Republican party. Vincent the ‘Chin’ Gigante ain’t got a thing on Rob….

  11. Larry3435

    Hmm, is it “Palm” or “The Palm”?

  12. Call2Doody

    pri’·ma·ry (v.)

  13. Dave Carter
    C

    I suppose having them direct tank traffic in Tiananmen Square would be a tad harsh, no?   

  14. KC Mulville

    Sounds like the old Tom Lehrer song, National Brotherhood Week:

    The RINOs hate the SoCons. The SoCons hate the RINOs. And everybody hates McCain …

  15. Despair Troll
    Larry3435: Hmm, is it “Palm” or “The Palm”? · 24 minutes ago

    It is in fact, The Palm.  Food’s not super great, but that’s where you go to see and be seen.

  16. Joseph Eagar

    So, Rob is saying RINOS (smug moderate elites, really) need to be taught a lesson, so they can come back and conquer the party?  I’m confused.  There are a lot of Republican moderates I like, but most of them are doing quite well; the ones who aren’t are the aforementioned “smug” ones, who look down on everyone else (that’s why they’re so unpopular).  Rob isn’t part of the second group, of course.

  17. DocJay

    Give em the Mao Say Tongue. I’ll grab it ASAP, open it to the king squish and in my best Mice and Men voice say,” tell me about the purges Rob”.

  18. Fredösphere

    Hmmm. I think we need a bit of lexicographical hygiene. There are true GOP moderates–those who apostasize on several big issues–who are, nevertheless, not symptoms of the disease Rob is diagnosing. Indeed, Rob is quite immune, although moderate, and that’s why he is simultaneously the focus of my member feed post and also this post here.

    The exact problem is that of a GOP official who, whatever his stated positions, has moved to Washington or some other lefty stronghold and gone native.

    This is quite a different problem. It sometimes happens that a strong conservative will stubbornly hold to his troglodyte opinions even while accepting key establishment assumptions, especially the “inevitability” of the liberal ratchet on all issues. There’s a mindset that takes over that is just as likely to express itself in low-level depression, pessimism or a surrender to cynicism and status-seeking as it is in RINOsoidal elasticity on the issues.

    Can anyone help me think of examples? I’m thinking Nixon was especially prone to this, and it ate him up in the end.

    So maybe we need a more specific term for such people.

  19. Fredösphere

    And here’s why Rob, in spite of his RINOsoidal elasticity, is clearly One Of Us: he’s fundamentally impervious to his lefty milieu. The marinade never penetrates. He’s come by his positions honestly. He can step outside Hollywood and critique it with a clear eye.

    And that’s why we (I think I speak for all here) reserve undying, unyielding, adamantine loathing for someone like Jon Huntsman, who for all his conservative achievements when in office has clearly soaked up the vinegary assumptions of the ruling class. Only that kind of RINO would ever fall for the No Labels nonsense. It’s clear he knows who his real enemy is: the middle American voter.

  20. DocJay

    Jon Huntsman is a wimp. I’ve met him and it’s likely his Y chromosome is borrowed. Big smile, a politician’s handshake and values that float on the wind. All hat and no cattle as they say.