A Message from Earth

Having just fed my dog, it occurred to me that if an extraterrestrial had been monitoring my activities today, this is the report he (it?) might have filed:

I began my day here on the third planet observing a quadruped being escorted to a crude motorized vehicle by a subservient biped which transported its passenger to an area filled with leafy vegetation. The two-legged creature was led by a strap along a path, apparently for the purpose of collecting and disposing its master’s waste material. Afterwards, the two returned to their abode, at which time the quadruped was fed and watered and then stroked until it slept. During the extended rest, the other attended to manual labor. If we have any hope of colonizing this planet, we must find a way to communicate with its four-legged leaders. More later. 

  1. HVTs

    So, we seem to agree that our alien overlords will quickly surmise that in this solar system, two distinct types of bipeds serve two distinct types of quadruped masters. One can imagine the extraterrestrial report making the following points.

    One class of biped must be tethered and led by the quadruped.  The burden of leading their dull witted servants around has, through countless millennia of evolutionary development, resulted in this quadruped class being, on average, larger and stronger than the other class.  Linguistically, in this pairing the quadruped is referred to as “dog” and the servant as “owner,” apparently a comical colloquial adaptation for a power relationship that is the opposite of what those words describe.

    The generally smaller master class of quadruped, known as “cats” by the bipedal servant class, has evolved superior abilities to train and even inculcate its servants with the skills needed to perform necessary functions without resort to physical restraints or other non-verbal inducements.  Under evolutionary pressure, the intellectual capacity of cat servants necessarily exceeds that of other bipeds.

    Considering the willing obeisance of bipedal cat servants, biped-quadruped relationships can be summarized as follows: Dogs have owners; cats have staff.

  2. Scott R

    And soon enough the aliens would be serving the dogs, too. Because dogs are awesome.

  3. Oranjeman

    I second Mr. Reusser; but, you’re totally lifting a Seinfeld bit.  Who do you think you are, Krusty the Clown? 

    “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
  4. Red Feline

    imagesCAQQB1E8.jpgStephen Harper is the Prime Minister of Canada. If you were an alien and saw him cuddling this lovely little red kitten, who would you think was the boss? :-)

    Harper let photos of him with his kittens, blue sweater, playing the piano, singing a Beatles’ song, to “soften his image” after the Lefties accused him of being “distant” and “cold”, emotional attitudes we all know Lefties hate.

  5. Frederick Key

    I would like to think a civilization that could conquer the universal speed limit would be able to determine that the smaller creature’s brain is about 99.8% devoted to its sense of smell, and thus can’t be the dominant species. Although if that didn’t give them the clue, they might try to communicate with it using Glade and Airwick products.

  6. Severely Ltd.

    Update to GHQ:  Further examination reveals the quadruped ruling class to be bifurcated* into the larger class formerly observed leading the bipeds around and a smaller, clawed, upper class notable for their smug disdain for all other life forms. They live a life of extreme ease and their eating habit are very discriminating. It is amusing watching the vain efforts of the simple bipeds as they try to satisfy their master’s palates. However, I despair of ever establishing friendly relations with this self-centered lot.

    *Good vocabulary, these aliens.

  7. Brasidas

    Indeed.  In our family of six (seven,  counting our beloved dog), life revolves around the dog’s wants and needs, as it did in my family growing up and my parent’s families before.  

  8. Red Feline
    Severely Ltd.: Update to GHQ:  Further examination reveals the quadruped ruling class to be bifurcated* into the larger class formerly observed leading the bipeds around and a smaller, clawed, upper class notable for their smug disdain for all other life forms. They live a life of extreme ease and their eating habit are very discriminating. It is amusing watching the vain efforts of the simple bipeds as they try to satisfy their master’s palates. However, I despair of ever establishing friendly relations with this self-centered lot.

    *Good vocabulary, these aliens. · 38 minutes ago

    Edited 26 minutes ago

    You’ve got the picture, Severely, but not quite!

    The members of that upper class each choose ONE of the bipeds as their own personal slave, and deigns to communicate to that selected ONE exactly what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. I’ve been that chosen one many times, and know exactly how to win favour with my master. Jump to attention, salute, and obey orders! :-) 

  9. Red Feline
    Brasidas: Indeed.  In our family of six (seven,  counting our beloved dog), life revolves around the dog’s wants and needs, as it did in my family growing up and my parent’s families before.   · 35 minutes ago

    What makes so many humans think the Universe revolves around Man? 

    An Alien would get the true picture with the speed of light! 

  10. Margaret Sarah

    I once saw a lovely embroidered sign in a kitchen that read, “This household is run solely for the comfort and convenience of the dog.”

  11. KC Mulville

    Any civilization who takes such meticulous planning before overwhelming us with such obviously superior technology … well, maybe seeing them take over from Obama and Biden wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

    I for one welcome our new masters …

  12. SunnyOptimism

    Um…..duh? I fail to see the point of this post, Pat. Woof-grrrr…..um, ah, I mean, I mean love ya on Wheel…..

  13. Anne R. Pierce
    C

    Even as a cat lover, I got a big kick out of your post. And, I can relate (the litter, the petting on demand, etc.)

  14. Red Feline
    HVTs: So, we seem to agree that our alien overlords will quickly surmise that in this solar system, two distinct types of bipeds serve two distinct types of quadruped masters. One can imagine the extraterrestrial report making the following points.

    …   Linguistically, in this pairing the quadruped is referred to as “dog” and the servant as “owner,” apparently a comical colloquial adaptation for a power relationship that is the opposite of what those words describe.

    …   Under evolutionary pressure, the intellectual capacity of cat servants necessarily exceeds that of other bipeds.

    Considering the willing obeisance of bipedal cat servants, biped-quadruped relationships can be summarized as follows: Dogs have owners; cats have staff. · 13 hours ago

    I’ve never quite seen it like that, HVTs! But giving it thought, it has a certain ring of truth to it. Definitely the larger intellectual capacity, and that could come from communicating with the superior minds of our superiors, the Cats. :-)) Meow! Meow! I do love a cat that speaks to me.

  15. profdlp

    I don’t like cats as much as I like dogs, but put enough Texas Pete on them and it’s hard to tell the difference.

  16. Red Feline
    Anne R. Pierce: Even as a cat lover, I got a big kick out of your post. And, I can relate (the litter, the petting on demand, etc.) · 35 minutes ago

    My cats have always had me well-trained. I guess that perhaps makes me a superior servant to The Cats. :-) 

    Meals always on time, with preferred food.

    Nice soft bed, well-aired and plumped up at all times.

    Litter box kept sweet-smelling and CLEAN.

    Nails clipped as needed.

    Coat brushed until gleaming.

    Petting given as demanded. 

    “Wee walkies” when Highness demands.

    Playing with toys when Highness feels like doing so.

    Not a problem when Highness sits on computer to interrupt. 

    Chatting in superior Cat language in response to Cat’s meow.

    Let Highness out, or in, on call.

    HVTs, you really got it spot on! Those Aliens are pretty smart to pick all this up so well.

    And in households with The Cats, where there is one, or even more, of those lower quadruped breeds, just remember who is Boss. And it isn’t The Dogs! :-))

  17. Anne R. Pierce
    C
    Red Feline

    Anne R. Pierce: Even as a cat lover, I got a big kick out of your post. And, I can relate (the litter, the petting on demand, etc.) · 35 minutes ago

    My cats have always had me well-trained. I guess that perhaps makes me a superior servant to The Cats. :-) 

    Meals always on time, with preferred food.

    Nice soft bed, well-aired and plumped up at all times.

    Litter box kept sweet-smelling and CLEAN.

    Nails clipped as needed.

    Coat brushed until gleaming.

    Petting given as demanded. 

    “Wee walkies” when Highness demands.

    Playing with toys when Highness feels like doing so.

    Not a problem when Highness sits on computer to interrupt. 

    Chatting in superior Cat language in response to Cat’s meow.

    Let Highness out, or in, on call.

    HVTs, you really got it spot on! Those Aliens are pretty smart to pick all this up so well.

     22 minutes ago

    Ha! Right – Re. ‘cat language,’ my cats respond preferentially to a high, cooing voice.

  18. Cornelius Julius Sebastian

    Now that is funny.

  19. Brasidas

    Red Feline & Anne, 

    Remember, on the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog — or a cat.

  20. Severely Ltd.
    Brasidas: Red Feline & Anne, 

    Remember, on the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog — or a cat.

    Or a Greek or a Martian.