- I once wrote an opera, but have since lost the napkin.
- For a few years in the late 90's I was the world's most successful merchant of certified, award-winning Combat Hamsters (As Seen on TV!).
- At least until the lawsuits started.
- Life Lesson No. 4,360: Sell some militant rodents to one lousy dictator who can't follow simple care instructions and all of a sudden INTERPOL considers you an "Illegal Arms Trafficker".
- After that I sunk all my hamster money into an open range fur-bearing trout farm.
- Life Lesson No. 5,186: Wet fur makes trout sink.
- Next was a 40,000 acre Jackelope Ranch.
- I'm still trying to figure out what the hell they're good for.
- I once tried to perform a frontal lobotomy on myself, but the knife slipped.
- I've never seen Elvis.
- I'm still a wanted fugitive in Peru, thanks largely to the combat hamster episode(s).
- I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs in the original Sanskrit.
- I know why we drive on parkways and park on driveways.
- In hindsight, those hamsters were worth way more than two easy payments of $199.95 each.
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