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Leveraging the Panic, Inc.
Fights, Thefts, Arguments as Toilet Paper Mania Wipes Across Globe
Society is seemingly melting down all around us, and there’s a run on toilet paper. Seriously.
Why? Has toilet paper production been cut? No. Are we running out of trees? Nope.
Coronavirus is largely a respiratory ailment. But that hasn’t stopped a collective freakout over the bare necessity of having clean bottoms.
I am here today to announce my new website & business venture. Leveraging the Panic, Inc.com is up and running. We have one huge warehouse in northern Minnesota in which we’ve stockpiled a huge quantity of toilet paper. You can never have enough toilet paper. Also, near Fort Knox, KY we have a smaller warehouse filled with gold bullion and shotgun shells. This does not require further explanation.
Our motto at Leveraging the Panic, Inc. is “STUPIDITY IS NOT A PROBLEM, STUPIDITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY”. We have made overtures to various well-known personalities to become our spokesperson. Although Tom Hanks has nothing to do for the next two weeks, for some reason he isn’t interested in the job. We’ll find somebody.
WARNING FOR THE STUPID: THIS POST IS A PARODY, THAT MEANS IT ISN’T REAL IT’S FOR COMIC EFFECT… NO, I DON’T WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER! GO AWAY!
Regards,
Jim
Published in General
So they’re running out of toilet paper too?
And stores are also sold out of fake mustaches. Coincidence?
Dang. How will I drain my bacon?
Used to be, Men like Joe Biden would tell other people that they were full of …..
Now people are obviously self identifying as full of ….
Mom used newspaper.
I picture a future episode of ‘Hoarders’ that show us people who’ve carved out narrow passagways through their homes, with canyon walls lined with seven-foot high stacks of toilet paper, clothing closets filled with toilet paper, garages filled with toilet paper, basements filled with toilet paper, refrigerators filled with toilet paper, toilet paper in the backyard tool shed, toilet paper buried under the front lawn of the house. But amid all that surplus, they’ve lost the roller for the bathroom TP holder….
Of all the things you might hoard in a crisis, toilet paper makes the most sense.
As long as it’s kept dry, it never goes bad no matter how old it gets.
It will get used eventually.
Alien (returning to spaceship): Dammit, they’re out of paper too!
Update: And again, someone beat me to the punch line!
Answer to Randy Webster’s question: because it’s illegal. Once state of emergency is declared, profiteering off necessities becomes illegal. The State Attorney General got involved. That’s also the answer to why he “donated” the stuff he was stuck with. No, he wasn’t a good guy. As soon as he got the hint that something was brewing, he or his brother drove the length of Tennessee and into Kentucky, buying everything in sight. They paid, in some cases $1 and charged 20 to 40 times that to desperate people. He claimed to be some kind of hero, getting product to people who needed it, when they would have had no problem getting it if it had been left on the store shelves in the first place. That’s another problem with the hoarding. It’s bloody selfish. Sure, it will eventually get used, but stockpiling a two year supply means there’s none left on the shelf for others who need it now and in the coming week/month. Empty shelves also add fuel to the panic.