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Leveraging the Panic, Inc.
Fights, Thefts, Arguments as Toilet Paper Mania Wipes Across Globe
Society is seemingly melting down all around us, and there’s a run on toilet paper. Seriously.
Why? Has toilet paper production been cut? No. Are we running out of trees? Nope.
Coronavirus is largely a respiratory ailment. But that hasn’t stopped a collective freakout over the bare necessity of having clean bottoms.
I am here today to announce my new website & business venture. Leveraging the Panic, Inc.com is up and running. We have one huge warehouse in northern Minnesota in which we’ve stockpiled a huge quantity of toilet paper. You can never have enough toilet paper. Also, near Fort Knox, KY we have a smaller warehouse filled with gold bullion and shotgun shells. This does not require further explanation.
Our motto at Leveraging the Panic, Inc. is “STUPIDITY IS NOT A PROBLEM, STUPIDITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY”. We have made overtures to various well-known personalities to become our spokesperson. Although Tom Hanks has nothing to do for the next two weeks, for some reason he isn’t interested in the job. We’ll find somebody.
WARNING FOR THE STUPID: THIS POST IS A PARODY, THAT MEANS IT ISN’T REAL IT’S FOR COMIC EFFECT… NO, I DON’T WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER! GO AWAY!
Regards,
Jim
Published in General
All I know is it is time to go strapped. People are stupid and you need to protect yourself.
I was all ramped up to ask for a seat on your Board until I got to the parody part. Disappointing.
Do people really not know why others might be stocking up on toilet paper? People who think they might be under quarantine and not be allowed out of their dwellings are buying up all the available supplies. The checker at Costco this afternoon told us that they had crowds lining up at the door when it opened in the morning and they bought all their stock very quickly.
Not to be indelicate, but I think that the question is how much does a person need?
I suppose that parody might cover the “Fort Knox, TN,” but the real Fort Knox is in Kentucky.
One wonders why there isn’t a limit on TP and stuff. My store moved sanitizer to customer services and doled it out. I didn’t need any and don’t stock up since it has an expiration date. My gas station has dispensers at the pumps.
Little known fact:
90% of the world’s toilet paper is manufactured in the Buthol province of China . . .
Yeah, that happened when the Clinton recycling laws forced most US paper companies to close and either leave country or go bankrupt, usually both. He managed to crash one of clients that had been in business for 100+ years.
Didja read about the guy in Hixson, TN, who was making a mint on reselling hand sanitizer on Amazon? It wasn’t his first venture: he had been reselling all sorts of things at a premium, trying to anticipate trends. So I have to ask why Amazon hadn’t shut him down sooner?
The only reason I noticed the story is because we used to live in Hixson.
Heck, I was getting ready to sent this to a cousin because she would believe it. She is a Bernie fan, lives in Washington State.
Chattanooga suburb
Randy,
Boy is my face red (no accusing me of using a native American slur). I have no idea why I have always thought Fort Knox was in TN. Thanks, Randy. Gosh, that reminds me.
Don’t trust the Chinese.
Regards,
Jim
Amazon gets a cut?
Uhhhhh . . . say the name of the province out loud . . .
Why would they? It’s the free market in action. If his prices are too high, no one will buy. That he’s selling it means that someone is willing to pay his price; and why should Amazon deny them the opportunity to buy it?
Because they don’t want a major public relations black eye? And don’t care about theoretical “free market” defenses of the practice?
I meant my question as: if they were going to shut him down for this, why didn’t they shut him down when he was selling other stuff? I guess he tried to catch trends and buy up items that he thought were going to have high demand in the coming months and sell at a markup. I’m sure there are thousands of others who do that on Amazon, so why did they decide this particular thing-of-the-moment was worth shutting him down when others weren’t? I totally agree with you that he’s using free-market principles and that is what we do under capitalism; I’m just curious why Amazon decided this was a line he crossed.
By the way, he ended up donating all that hand sanitizer.
Bidets anyone? I’m getting emails from home improvement and hardware stores advertising and explaining the use of what have been, up until now, infrequent fixtures in American bathrooms. There are deep-seated reasons for that whose depths I won’t plumb here.
Apparently I’m currently so flush with these sorts of emails because–wait for it–people think that bidets will reduce toilet paper use! That we can just roll along secure in the knowledge that we don’t need to queue up at Costco or Sams, just waiting for the next batch of TP to find its way into the pipeline. (Not sure what’s going to happen to the overflow, once the demand and supply has evened out, but I wouldn’t be surprised if toilet paper stocks take a sudden plunge.)
While all this may auger well for plumbers, I can’t help feeling a bit drained.
Rational Person: “Look at all those morons panic-buying toilet paper. I’m not going to be like them!”
Rational Person after s/he runs out of toilet paper and the shelves at the store are empty: “Oh.”
She,
Buck up my very good lady. Surely we can find some other means. Perhaps an attachment to the power drill that uses paper towels…hmmmm…OK, OK, back to the drawing board. You are an American now. That means that making money is your Gd given right! Damn it She, there’s got to be a way! Keep working on it.
Regards,
Jim
Can you imagine what it will be like when the aliens land?
Before I read on: Four stores in my near vicinity have signs posted limiting the take on TP. At all four, the shelves were empty yesterday PM.
You could say they were wiped clean . . .
Stad, Stad, Stad.
Stad,
There is still hope. However, make sure to have a few Slim Whitman albums on hand.
Regards,
Jim
After they look around, I’m guessing that it will be a very short stay.
That came to my mind, and also The Carol Burnett show episode of “Gone with the Wind” where Vicki Lawrence is running around in a panic “Miss Scarlet, Miss Scarlet, Miss Scarlet..” and Burnett slaps her. Waiting for the slap.
Her face was flushed.
But her broad shoulders saved her.
How much we will need is unknowable because a) we don’t know if/when/how long a quarantine will be mandated and b) because of this toilet paper is in short supply.
We are not a people who believe that our government is capable of seeing to our bathroom tissue needs during a quarantine so we have to make decisions for an uncertain future.
I tend to buy in bulk generally. People who have less money probably approach TP from a more on-time deliver perspective. But now, suddenly, reasonably, they are also buying bulk. People who find there is zero tissue when they go to a store probably buy double bulk at their next opportunity, or wait in line and buy triple because they don’t want to stand in line again.
To my mind that is 50% panic and 50% wisdom. The people buying this stuff are in charge of caring for their families and they rightly put their welfare to the fore.
Plus if you buy enough family packs your school-cancelled children can build a fort out of them.
I have observed that paper towels have also begun to be rationed.