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Julián and Beto Cage Match
Texas has been blessed with having two Democratic presidential candidates representing us in the 2020 race: Julián Castro and Robert “Beto” O’Rourke. As a public service and after extensive research, I am going to present a side by side comparison of the two contenders.
Political Experience
Beto was on the city council of a city with one of the lowest crime rates in the country. He has served as a U.S. Representative and ran a remarkably successful race for Senate, narrowly losing to Ted Cruz.
Castro was on the city council and served as mayor of one of the most crime-ridden cities in Texas. He was a very important cabinet secretary for President Obama. He has never been in a statewide race.
Hispanic heritage
Beto is Anglo, but has a cool Hispanic nickname.
Castro is Hispanic, but does not have a cool nickname. In fact, he shares a surname with one of the most murderous dictators in the Western Hemisphere.
Family
Beto has two younger siblings.
Castro has an identical twin brother, which begs the question: Which one is the evil twin? In fact, how can we ever be sure that it is really Julián we are dealing with and not Joaquin?
Scandals
Beto has been arrested twice for minor offenses.
Castro has never been arrested according to public records, assuming that there were no coverups in the city where he and his family has exerted immense political control for decades.
Beto was a member of a notorious hacker group called Cult of the Dead Cow.
Castro was never in any cool hacker organizations according to public records. In fact, there is no evidence that he has ever used a computer.
Nationwide exposure
Beto has appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair.
Castro has appeared several times on the cover of San Antonio Sí!
Pastimes
Beto plays guitar and is a skateboarder.
Castro does not have any rad hobbies.
Other assets
Beto: Dem teeth!
Castro also has teeth, though he has never live-streamed a dental visit. What is he hiding?
Compare and contrast the candidate’s stands and policies in the following areas, including specific legislative and executive proposals:
- Monetary policy
- Energy and the environment
- Foreign policy
- Economic growth and jobs
- Crime and gun control
- Education
Nobody cares about any of that uncool boring stuff.
Published in Humor
Hahahaha! Hilarious! Cannot stop laughing. “What is he hiding” hahahah! Julian (pronounced Hooo-lian) looks like a damn girl. I get totally creeped out just looking at him. Actually I can’t stand the sight of either one of them.
At the risk of harshing your satirical post, I do not consider trying to leave the scene of a high speed drunk driving crash that nearly killed a person, and then getting off through the influence of your powerful family is a “minor” offense.
One could also repeat for O’Rourke the same question raised about Castro – what local scandals did O’Rourke’s politically powerful father and politically powerful father-in-law cover up?
Here he is after going blond to support Lanier High School in the playoffs (it’s a tradition at the school to do this if they make the playoffs, but not the mayor, at least I don’t think so. I just think HOOlian wanted an excuse). Just when I thought he couldn’t look any creepier:
Because clearly when you have seen Juan, you have seen Jamal….
This is what crossed my mind as well. I think the only reason Beto got caught trying to leave the scene of that accident was that there was a witness, and I think we can even be surprised that the witness didn’t die “of mysterious causes.” That guy is very very bad. And I’d be surprised if there aren’t a few more shenanigans we will never know about because his dad pulled strings.
And if he were a Republican, the media would not be describing him as “Kennedyesque” (looks like Bobby, drives like Teddy) or “a breath of fresh air.” No, they’d describe him as the rich and privileged son of a judge who went to an exclusive prep school and married money.
Beto has now attained the ultimate tribute:
A Beto O’Rourke crop circle.
Oh good grief.
And Beto eats dirt.
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/beto-orourke-ate-dirt-with-regenerative-powers-after-losing-to-rep-ted-cruz-report
Beto eats tacos with a fork.
Whooh that is almost uncalled for.
Almost.
I was on the fence, but no more.
Beto. Bay-toh. Bay-toh! Bay-toh! Bay-toh!!
I am more annoyed that in apologizing for getting a get out of jail free card, he threw all white people under the bus. Instead of owning up to his crime and family status, he claimed “white privilege”. What a D-bag.
There was a thing about the Beto on the city council condemning some properties to help out with a family land deal in the cheap parts of town.
You can’t stay here after that – just keep Joaquin.
You can’t see me right now, but I’m groaning haha
I just listened to the Hacks on Hacks, The Editors, and Mad Dogs and Englishmen podcasts. All three discussed Beto!; none of them even mentioned Castro. I’m not a supporter of Castro, but he has actual executive experience and has worked in a presidential administration. Beto is a pretty boy, rich piggy dilettante. I would guess that Castro detests him.
Beto’s youthful artistic self-conception and driving habits encapsulated in one single 90-second masterpiece film clip (Safe for Work):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwgoZ4d_FtU
True Story: My family and I got rammed into and run off the road by a hit-and-run driver a few years back, just outside of Mineola, Texas.
The local police officer we met with said they really couldn’t do anything about it. He just shrugged and said, “Beto strikes again!”
I didn’t know what he meant at the time…
(Okay, so I did make up the quote.)
They seem like a nice family. What is he doing throwing them into the maelstrom of a presidential campaign for no conceivable reason? This meme is the least of what’s going to happen to them.