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It’s poll time!
I just got a call from a pollster.
After the usual questions about my age and where I lived, she asked:
“Do you consider yourself White, African-American, Native American, Asian or Pacific Islander, or some other race?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry, sir, you have to chose one.“
“I don’t consider myself any of those things.”
“I need to put a race down.“
“Okay, Human.”
“I can’t put that down.”
“I guarantee that I’m not a fish in disguise.”
“It needs to be one of the choices: White, African-American, Native American, Asian or Pacific Islander, or some other race.”
“Race is an a artificial construct historically used to separate and divide people. By its very nature, race is a racist concept. I am not a racist, therefore I don’t use racist labels for myself or others.”
“Okay sir, thank you. That is all the questions I have for you. Have a blessed day.” [Hangs up]
Conclusion: Only racists are allowed to answer polls.
Published in Humor
I usually think about those brilliant responses ten minutes later.
Doesn’t mean I can’t be difficult, though.
I love you, man!!
Years ago I got a call from a pollster about a primary race in Texas, I had just read about “push polling” and kind of wondered how prevalent the practice was becoming. I was asked about my choice among a list of candidates, and I gave her my choice. The questions sounded legitimate at first, but the caller didn’t seem to me to be as polished as most, so I wondered if this was maybe this new kind of critter. After I named my candidate from a list she provided, she asked me about a different candidate, and whether I would change my support to the 2nd candidate if I knew that the 1st candidate was pro-choice. I caught on right there and said “No, it wouldn’t make any difference” (largely because I knew my candidate’s position on the issue, and the false claims of an anonymous upholsterer wouldn’t change my mind). That put her completely off script, and she demanded to know why I wouldn’t change my preference to candidate 2, given the new “information” she supplied. I stuck to my guns, but didn’t argue that her claims were wrong. After a couple more attempts, including one where she all but accused my candidate of being a baby killer, she finally said “And you call yourself a Republican,” and slammed down the phone. I suppose push polling has gotten more sophisticated in the years since.
You need to learn how to lie to a pollster. I just hang up on them, but you can have some fun with them. Tell them your a 5th generation Democrat, and all 5 generations will be voting in November. That will answer the place of residence on the pollster’s tally sheet, hello Chicago.
These days, I usually say Neanderthal. It’s more fun and partially true.
We should really start answering, “I’m everything you hate about America. Next question?”
A pollster asked me my race last week and I snapped back, “What are you, working for Nazi Germany? What does it matter what race I am? I am an American!”
I don’t know if the pollster wrote down what I said, but he continued with the poll. (It was to convince me that John Faso is a good congressman and that AJ Delgado is a lunatic. Classic push-polling, with questions like, “If you knew the AJ Delgado had written rap lyrics that demean women, would you be more or less likely to support him?”)
I usually go with ‘American’
Yeah, that’s what those upholsterers do. Just covering over the ugly truth with chintzy fabric!
;-)
I say Native American, having been born in the United States.
I have hung up on every pollster that’s ever called me. Polling is so broken (remember that little election we had in 2016?), the idea of an honest poll is pure fantasy. Blue wave? My butt.
Always demand that your upholsterer identify himself – and his fabrics.
I would love to print that out and tape it to the wall next to the telephone, only problem is, I don’t have a telephone connected to a landline anymore. And if I did it wouldn’t be on the wall anymore. Bummer. Anyway, you have perfectly stated my long held position on the matter. Thanks, I plan to steal it.
Several decades ago I got a long form from the Census Bureau to fill out. I checked the ‘other’ box for ‘race’ and wrote in Human. I got a phone call from some harried census worker who tried valiantly to get me to admit to my classification. Sadly, she was frustrated at every turn and, I assume, had to throw out my form since it became useless. Useless in terms of using race to divide us for political purposes that is.
How dare you ‘appropriate’ the literal meaning of the term!!
Jose you are hilarious. About a week ago, a pollster called me and I answered the questions. Then the same phone number appeared on my caller ID a half hour later, so this time I said I was 24-35 years old and hispanic. I think my opinion matters less to people when they hear my age.
The best one, which I told you about a while back, was a girl back in the 90s whose questions were so skewed to the left that it was funny. I said yes when she asked if I was a Christian. Then she asked, “Which kind? Fundamentalist or Evangelical?” I mean why not make the choice between “Snake Handler” and “Jehovah’s Witness.” Ever heard of Presbyerians you idiot. I laughed and said, “Who’s paying for this? The Democrats?” and she gasped, “How did you know that?”
That’s bizarre. I wonder if the person making the call is really that stupid or just doesn’t care that they are asked to act stupid.
That was when I knew it was the Democrats for sure. They actually believe all Christians are YEC Bible-thumpers. Plus they designed the poll to get a result of only Fundamentalists. The term “Evangelical” when they use it means people who go up to you on the street and ask “Is Christ in your life?” etc. The truth is that really all Christians could be said to be evangelical, due to the exhortation to “Go ye therefore and preach the Gospel,” but most mainline Christians don’t just go up to strangers for pete’s sake. They’ve turned the word into a pejorative.
Just wondering what kind of a leftie wishes someone a blessed day?
I have had pollsters say, “if you refuse to answer, I’ll assume you are white.”
“I consider myself the Pocono 400.”
Nah, most democrats are christians too.
When I was in the Marines we had to record the race and ethnicity of every Marine. If they didn’t want to answer we were required to guess.
True. We’re getting to a point where they’re afraid to say so.
I once heard a joke about an army recruiter who, when a new recruit stated that his religion was “druid”, just ticked the box next to “Unitarian” rather than cause a fuss about “druid” not being one of the options.
I’ve never met a Unitarian who wasn’t Jewish.
That’s what my wife and I checked on our marriage license, for the same reason.
Not the lefties I know. They’re mostly unchurched. “Nones.” While you can certainly find Democrats in church on Sunday, there’s a strong correlation between (virtual) atheists and leftists.
I still chuckle about the time I visited the local Unitarian church, and a matronly woman smiled wide and introduced herself as she greeted me:
“I’m Irene Goldbergstein,* welcome.”
* Not her real last name – you get the idea.
I’m not sure she was a leftie. We never got to the meat of the poll, so there’s the possibility it was legitimate. The name of the company was something generic like “National Opinion Services.” She was obviously reading from a script and her tone of voice indicated she was becoming more and more frustrated by my answers.
I have said I was a native American in polls before; with my name and the location (New Mexico), that was accepted.
When asked if I’m White, I always answer “No, more of a light tan.”
When asked if I’m Caucasian, I always answer “As far as I know, none of my ancestors are from any part of Russia.”
Yea, the same with me. That’s why I came up with the response. This is the first time I’ve gotten to use it.