Death Toll Rises from GOP Health Care Bill and Big D’s Tweets

 

On leave from helping my attorney, E. Hobart Calhoun, investigating the collusion and conspiracies at the FBI and DOJ in the appointment of Special Counsel Robert “Ferris” Mueller, I caught up with Nobel Prize winner Dr. Sarah Bellum, my longtime psychiatrist and fellow Mensa member, on Chicago’s South Side.

“Keep your head down,” she yelled as I crouched behind her shot-up Hummer on its side in the middle of the Chicago street.

“Who’s shooting at us?” I asked, ducking a fusillade of large caliber bullets.

“It must be a Republican gang,” Sarah said, because Chicago Mayor Rahm “O Come, O Come” Emanuel told me he believes most of the 334 Chicagoans shot to death between January 1 and June 30 of this year were killed as a result of the Republican Health Care proposals.

“Nancy Lugosi and Vermont Senator Larry David Sanders said people were going to die,” I said.

“Apparently they’re dropping like flies,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.”

We hustled away from the Hummer, staying low, and dove through the open door of an abandoned building I recognized as the former offices of ACORN’s voter registration drives, and most recently vacated by Black Knives Matter when former Hungarian, US citizen George “Sore” Loser withheld funding because not enough policemen were being shot.

“But the Republican health care proposals haven’t become law yet,” I said.

“That doesn’t matter to the thousands of leftist mainstream media stars, politicians, and Hollywood types I’ve treated since the election.”

“Have you treated Moaning Joe and Shameeka?” I asked.

“Yes,” Sarah said, “I was doing their pre-nuptial counselling when Big D spilled the beans about her face lift at Mar-A-Lago by a Russian plastic surgeon who got his degree from a for-profit college that former President “B.O.” Obama shut down.”

“Uh-oh,” I said.

“Shameeka went off on Big D, saying he was a lying, mentally ill, Russia-lover responsible for thousands of botched face lifts and boob jobs happening right now in America. She also blamed him for Moaning Joe’s hairdo and Russian-looking glasses.”

“Is the President responsible,” I asked Sarah, “for former Speaker Nancy Lugosi’s face lift that makes her look so surprised all the time?”

“Shameeka says he is. Says he’s to blame for those blank stares and awkward moments of silence when Nancy tries to say something these days. I asked Nancy about it in my session with her, and she says it’s a family trait, that her younger brother Bela did the same thing when he was on smack.”

“Who else have you counseled?” I asked.

“I treated Chris Matthews for his jimmy leg problem he experienced under “B.O.” Obama. Now I’m working to convince him that Big D is not Mussolini and Jared and Ivanka are not Uday and Qusay Hussein. It’s a struggle. He believes Big D sleeps in a spider hole every night.”

“Who’s the most screwed up person you’re trying to help?” I asked.

“Former FBI Director Jim Crony — by far. Doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. We were in session when he found out Big D had bluffed him on the tapes. I had to sedate him because he’s so tall I didn’t have a straitjacket with long enough arms.”

“What about B.O?”

“He knows he needs it, but he doesn’t have the time right now. He’s shooting the first episodes of the Robin Leach spinoff, ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Former Presidents Who Got Wealthy in Office Promoting Socialist Anti-American Ideals.’”

“Any Republicans?”

“I did a group session with Ex-POW and Civil Rights Nikon John Lewis McCain and Lindseed Graham Cracker, but after spending an hour listening to them I told them they needed more extensive psychiatric help than I was able to provide.”

“I admire your work, Dr. Sarah,” I said. “You’ve got a tough job.”

Her cell beeped.

“Dr. Bellum,” she answered and listened, becoming quite alarmed.

“I’ve got to go,” she said.

“What’s happened?”

“New patient,” she said. “VFNN’s Jim Accoster is on a 50-story ledge threatening to jump if Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t promise to call on him Monday.”

Published in Humor
Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 12 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    MichaelHenry: I had to sedate him because he’s so tall I didn’t have a straitjacket with long enough arms.

    LOL

    • #1
  2. ModEcon Inactive
    ModEcon
    @ModEcon

    Always enjoy, keep it up :)

    • #2
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    I love these, Michael.

    MichaelHenry: “VFNN’s Jim Accoster is on a 50-story ledge threatening to jump if Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t promise to call on him Monday.”

    Call him what? Oh, call on him. Because Democracy Dies if Jimmy doesn’t get his voice in a sound bite.

    • #3
  4. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Very clever–especially on Acosta! Thanks!

    • #4
  5. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    Great fun, as always! Thank you!

    • #5
  6. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Thanks for the laughter yoga today, Michael!  Do you have enough for a book yet?

    • #6
  7. AQ Member
    AQ
    @AQ

    The best!

    • #7
  8. Sheila Johnson Member
    Sheila Johnson
    @SheilaJohnson

    Michael Henry, it’s been a while.  That was very funny, thank you.

    • #8
  9. JimGoneWild Coolidge
    JimGoneWild
    @JimGoneWild

    About these boob jobs, I feel I should investigate, or I should investigate with feel. Please keep me abreast.

    • #9
  10. PhilKolb Inactive
    PhilKolb
    @PhilKolb

    Don’t care who you are, that was FUNNY!!!!

    • #10
  11. Larry Koler Inactive
    Larry Koler
    @LarryKoler

    Thanks, Michael. Very funny. Sending this to friends.

    • #11
  12. profdlp Inactive
    profdlp
    @profdlp

    JimGoneWild (View Comment):
    About these boob jobs, I feel I should investigate, or I should investigate with feel. Please keep me abreast.

    You have a point.  Maybe two.

    Of course, the biggest boob job in American history was the election of Barack Obama.

    • #12
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.