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Youth Minister Caught in Compromising Position
Maryville, TN — A newly-hired youth minister found, not his credentials, but his faith questioned when it was revealed he could not actually play guitar.
While Drew Campbell, youth minister at Grace Grove Bible Church, was preparing gear for the teen Seekers’ annual spring-break camping retreat, he was discovered in the church basement awkwardly fondling a guitar, muttering to himself, “So, how do you play this thing?”
Campbell, who quit the prestigious music program at Northwestern University because he felt called to youth ministry instead, was a “triple threat” in the musical world, mastering percussion, voice, and trumpet. Seekers’ parents report that, until Campbell was discovered in the compromising position with the guitar, he had repeatedly wowed the congregation with his excellent sense of rhythm and his competence as a keyboardist and singer, while occasionally adding color to the worship team with “some pretty wicked licks” on his horn. There are no keyboards in the wilderness, though, and as Campbell himself admits, “Neither voice nor horn is, on its own, sufficient to lead youth in worship.”
Said the steering committee who hired him, “It never occurred to us that a Christian this musically gifted wouldn’t also know how to play the guitar. Since his musical talent is undeniable, we’re afraid that calls his faith into question.”
Said Campbell, “I’m sure I can learn to play guitar. I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet,” citing the hectic practice schedule he had juggling three non-guitar competencies, and the extra work he had to do to get caught up on matters like theology and pastoral management when he was called to ministry instead.
For now, Campbell still has permission to attend the wilderness retreat, but only under the supervision of a trio of steering-committee members, who will be the retreat’s official leaders. Two of them are tone-deaf. But the third is not, and knows how to play guitar.
— With apologies to the Babylon Bee. Happy April 1!
Published in Religion & Philosophy
Huzzah!
Well done! I am snorffling over this.
Unchain Midge, and you get jokes! Who knew?
You probably don’t know that it’s pronounced “Murrivul.” Just like the town I work in is Louisville, essentially a suburb of Maryville, pronounced “Lewisville.” We don’t care how they do it in Kentucky.
Ohh man. Its funny because its so true in its not-trueness.
My absolute favorite, I fell out:
Hilarious!
Me never shoulda took the chance!
I first heard the phrase used to describe Samuel Barber – for Barber, it was piano, voice, and composition (I qualify as a triple nonthreat in those same areas).
I think every music-associated art probably has a “triple-threat” joke to mock people.
For me, its usually for Drummers: “He’s a triple-threat: Loud, Obnoxious, Owns a PA” or going the full-monty to complain about cymbals: “He’s a triple-threat: On the ride, hats, and crash”
Seriously? I’ll bet one of the teens knows guitar. Did anyone check??
Edit: Yesterday was the Sabbath for me–sheesh–forgot it was Apr.1. That’s my excuse and I’m stickin’ to it!
Reverend Tim Tom!
:-D
(nothing to add, but this made me laugh)
If this wasn’t on the main thread I’d tell the true story of what happened when it was discovered that I, a Lutheran school teacher, was not an organist and couldn’t even play the instrument.
Since I am a keyboard guy who is pretty irritated by the current dominance of Christian music by guitar-centric rock, and only guitar-centric rock (which means that every great Christian melody such as Hyfrydol is ignored because guitars sound ridiculous trying to play them), I’ll ignore the very good joke and remind everyone that a Privia is 25 lb, has a built-in amplifier, and not-bad action (not like an acoustic, but a reasonably good 3rd generation weighted keys try at it).
And Jim Alfredson, the reigning guru of Hammond/Leslie performance, brings a Privia PX-330 (like mine) to his live touring work leading Janiva Magness’ jazz back-up band.
For Catholics and those afflicted with Dan Schutte drivel (and his ilk) receive their proper dues, guitar-ified, no less
The sooner this scourge passes, the better.
What wondrous love is this! Thanks, Fred.
OP on Member Feed – marked Do Not Promote. Inquiring minds want to know!
These types of stories are always my favorite in The Onion.
Do you read the Babylon Bee as well, @zinmt? If not, try it!
“Gather Us In” isn’t Dan Schutte, it’s Marty Haugan. FIFY (Tom Conry’s “Anthem” is another teeth-gnashing example.) Both are cross-pollinated theology. Dan Schutte, and the SLJs [in the pre-PC language revision days], at least used Scripture for lyrics and well-played guitars, horns, flutes, professional choristers, it must be noted. :-)
Oh. Him.
Does Lutherans having given the world Bach make up for Haugen, ya suppose? ;-P
Maybe…But it’d be a tough call. :-)
I had to google Marty Haugen. Now I see what you mean.
Okaay, Fred!